Month: February 2009

25 Things You Don’t Know About My Dog

by

I really hate memes, so I figured I’d tell you about my dog instead. To be honest, he’s probably more interesting than me anyway. So here ya go:

I know you think he's sitting in a sunbeam, but actually the light is coming from him. We found him near the nuclear power plant.

1. His name is Tux, but originally it was Fizz-Gig. It fit him well.

2. Our cat is bigger than he is.

3. She reminds him of that when he tries to attack her.

4. His tail stub both creeps me out and fascinates me.

5. He does not like anyone to grab it.

6. He needs his hair cut more often than I do.

7. He’s the runt in a litter where both parents were runts of their own litters. He’s a very tiny Silky Terrier.

8. He very rarely pees in the house anymore.

9. I don’t think he realizes he’s a dog.

10. I’m quite certain he doesn’t realize he’s 8 inches tall.

11. When his hair gets cut, and his eyes are again visible, it freaks me out. I think he stares at me on purpose.

12. He will eat things so gross I can’t write about them on my blog.

13. And then licks people’s faces.

14. When given a stuffed toy, he immediately disembowels it. So quickly in fact, that it’s a little unsettling.

15. When he was a puppy, the hair matted shut over his butt. It was one of the grossest dog experiences I’ve ever been a part of. We threw the scissors away.

16. He’s neutered. (I never said 25 things you wanted to know about him)

17. He is really good at playing fetch.

18. Tux will not chase a laser pointer, but will chase a cat chasing a laser pointer.

19. His name is indeed from the Linux mascot Tux, but I never connect the two in my mind. I think that’s odd.

20. He really likes to lick people.

21. I really don’t like him to lick people, but he doesn’t really care what I think.

22. He’s absurdly ticklish, and if you tickle him while playing tug-o-war, he dances and growls in a most entertaining way.

23. When he eats kibble, he takes a mouthful from the dish in the kitchen, and carries it to the livingroom before eating it.

24. He never drinks from the toilet.

25. He can’t reach the toilet.

Exercise That Is Fun

by

OK, I hate exercise. I really really do.

I'll give you a hint, I'm not the physically fit trainer on the left.

I would like some suggestions for exercise that is fun. Something that I might not consider exercise, but rather something fun to do.

No, not that. Sicko.

Here’s a bit about the requirements:

1. I don’t like being outside when it’s cold.

2. It’s always cold here.

3. I have no exercise machinery, nor do I plan to buy any.

4. I enjoy being lazy, but not wasting time. Yes, there is a difference.

5. The first one of you to suggest Richard Simmons videos will get such a pinch.

6. The closest racquetball court is a 40 minute drive, one way.

7. I can’t swim. Well, maybe if being pursued by a shark, but for the most part I don’t swim.

8. I’m the type of person they were targeting with those “electric zapping belt” products from a few years back. If I’d had disposable income at that point, I’d own one.

9. I have pretty severe asthma.

10. I really hate exercising. Really.

Ideas?

Where Did Shawn Go?

by

He’s home. Sick. But because he can’t stand being home sick, he’s going into work at 10AM this morning and sequestering himself to the office so as not to infect others.

OK, enough with the 3rd person. 🙂 Yeah, I have the flu that has been ravaging our school district. I try really hard to do all my computer work remotely so that I don’t touch keyboards and mice too often — but I have such a horrible immune system, even with such precautions I get sick more often that most.

Being sick all the time gets old. It’s not the sick that really bothers me though, it’s the guilt. I hate being out of commission and just sleeping or moping all day. Since I’m sick more often than anyone on the planet in my family, I tend to feel like I’m milking them for sympathy. So I push myself too hard. And I get MORE sick. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well. If you see my coffee cups laying around, don’t drink out of them, lest you get the crud.

Good Parent, Bad Parent

by

We are concerned in the photo, because we are missing 2 of our 3 children. And the one we do have is the wrong gender...Here’s the deal: My wife and I are not the most organized parents in the world. Usually, at least 2 days a week, at least one child will go to school missing their lunchbox. One of us must then run it to the school, and drop it off in the appropriate office before our children go without food.

And bedtimes? We were the kids that stayed up until 3 AM on a school night. And quite frankly, if our aging bodies allowed it — we still would. Needless to say, we do not like mornings. Therefore, every morning we tend to scramble a bit. Sometimes our kids are even a minute or so late. Yes, I hate it too, but it happens.

The thing that baffles me is that some parents aren’t just forgetful and unorganized, they’re completely irresponsible. Basically, they don’t care if their kids have lunch or not. These are the kids with broken zippers on their jackets, no mittens, and bags under their eyes (as 6 year olds). I hate seeing kids like that. And no, it’s not a matter of money. There are coats, mittens, etc. available for those in need. And if your kid doesn’t have a good coat, you’d better swallow your pride and get one. But it’s not even pride, it’s just apathy. How depressing!

Whenever I get upset with my own shortcomings regarding child rearing, I always try to remember how rare caring parents are. At least in this area. There should be a license required for having children. Srsly.

I’m Not That Guy

by

Yeah right, like that's my snowblower. Imagine something more like a brick tied to a shovel with a half flat tire on one side.You know that guy that can fix mechanical things? The car breaks down, and he grabs his toolbox and reconoiters your carburetor on the side of the road? Yeah, well I’m not that guy.

We have lots of snow. The storm London just got is what we refer to “A Tuesday” around here. That’s not to make light of the situation across the giant pond — it’s just to say that I should be used to it. And have the tools to take care of it.

First of all I should give you a little backstory. I have a toolbox. I really do. It’s big and red and plastic. It contains screwdrivers, wire crimping tools, needle nosed pliers, and a couple really sweet cable testers. And one 3 inch crescent wrench. No, not one that has jaws capable of turning a 3 inch bolt — but rather the handle is 3 inches long. I think it’s made from plastic coated in tin foil.

Anyway, back to the snow. We have lots. So much in fact that our postal delivery lady no longer will attempt to get close enough to our mailbox to deliver our mail. Now, I do have a snowblower, but it is so old that using it require skills that I don’t really have. Here’s a rundown of me snowblowing our driveway:

1. Spend 45 minutes and a can of starting fluid trying to get the frozen machine running. (I also have no garage, so it sits in the snow all the time)

2. Sniff the ether all over my gloves, and forget half of step 3

3. Take the first swipe down the driveway, which hasn’t been shoveled, plowed, or snowblown in many weeks of storms.

4. At the end of the driveway, I’ve seen 12 purple elephants, spoken to a friendly dresser, and the snowblower has warmed up enough to stall.

5. I adjust the throttle and choke, never the same way twice, until it runs again.

6. Take another swipe.

7. Again, snowblower stalls. By this time all the ice has melted from the engine, so even though the choke no longer helps, I can get a screwdriver near the carburetor and adjust the screws. Which screws? I have no idea, whatever turns without falling out.

8. Again, the engine roars to life. The throttle an choke are now working enough that I can milk a few swipes now. Then, the engine gets hot.

9. The engine stalls in the middle of the road while I was turning around. The transmission is coated in ice now, and the lever to disengage the drive won’t work. Thankfully, not much traffic goes down my road, so I get out my screwdriver right there in the road.

10. I loosen a screw too much and it falls out. Gas leaks on my gloves (the ether has long since worn off), and I scramble in the road looking for and its little spring. Apparently at this point the snowblower just had to pee, because when I put the screw back in, I get another couple swipes out of the engine.

11. About the time I think 2 or 3 more swipes will really make the driveway look sharp, the engine quits for good. At the road. And I need to push it by hand up to the house again.

Now, I left out lots of goodies regarding half broken recoil handles, a leaky gas tank, and a finicky gear shifter (it’s a self propelled walk behind deal). The sad thing is, I’m fairly certain many guys could stop by, sniff the exhaust and tell me my canooter valve is loose. One quick turn with an actual wrench and life would be good.

But I’m not that guy. 🙂