shawnp0wers

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The ADHD Podcast That Wasn’t

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For a while, I was doing a podcast with a group of friends, where every week we’d take turns “deep diving” on a topic we found interesting. The Bench Ash Shirt podcast sorta died off as our lives got busy in different ways, but probably my favorite episode never happened. Or it did happen, but someone forgot to press record. And that someone was me. The episode being about ADHD, and the ADHD guy forgetting to press record was just so on the nose, it hurts.

Ahh, the Bench Ash Shirt podcast… I miss it…

ANYWAY, while I don’t have a recording of the episode, I do have my notes. I was talking to friend recently diagnosed with ADHD (hi Jake!), and on a whim looked for the notes I prepared for that particular deep dive. Usually my notes are terrible, with disjointed thoughts and single word triggers to remind me about a particular thing. For some reason, the notes I made for this episode are pretty elaborate. Even readable, for the most part. Anyway, I figured I’d share them here for anyone wanting to know more about ADHD, from someone who was diagnosed late in life.

SHAWN’S NOTES:

ADHD Podcast Deep Dive

First: ADD & ADHD

  • It’s all ADHD now, ADD is an old term for “non-attentive” version vs “hyperactive” version.
  • That’s a spectrum between the two though, and is largely just how a person’s personality responds to the underlying issues.
  • So ADD is an outdated term, but you still hear it a lot – and I don’t correct people unless they are snotty and all “AKCTUALLY I have ADD, not ADHD”

Brain Chemicals

  • Endorphins
    • Runner’s high
    • Allows us to push ourselves beyond normal limits
    • Released in response to pain
    • Why we enjoy laughing so hard it hurts our bellies
    • Dark Side: self-cutting releases endorphins
    • Labor pains release lots of endorphins, but also:
  • Oxytocin
    • It’s why love, friendship feels good
    • Behind the feelings of trust, security
    • This is why we are social creatures – the oxytocin is our reward for caring for and being cared about by others.
    • That feeling you get from a long hug (consentual) – that’s a release of oxytocin
    • Dark Side: staying in a bad relationship chasing the love and security, ie, oxytocin
  • Serotonin
    • Feeling of pride in what you do, what gives you a sense of being successful
    • Serotonin is released when a leader leads well
    • ALSO released when a follower impresses their leader. It’s why we strive to do well for others, regardless if we’re in a follower or leader role.
    • Self-worth is largely a serotonin-based metric
    • Dark Side: possibly narcissism (if you think you’re a great leader when you’re not really great) 
    • DEPRESSION is largely a lack of serotonin in the system, or the brain not regulating it correctly. No matter what the reality is, lack of serotonin leaves you feeling worthless with no way to make it better, because doing the “right stuff” doesn’t give you the proper feelings
      • SSRI – Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. The brain vacuum that cleans up excess serotonin is possibly working overtime.
  • Dopamine
    • That quick hit of joy from checking off an item on a list
    • Very short lived. Serotonin drugs take weeks to start working, because that is a slow release slow cleanup system. Dopamine is a quick hit.
    • Dopamine is addictive. It’s what video games, social media, and cocaine manipulate
    • Without dopamine, we’d never reach our goals – it’s the reason we take the steps toward larger goals. Without dopamine, there is no motivation to DO anything.
    • It seems like the least important brain chemical, because it is manipulated for evil all the time, candy crush, etc.

But ADHD is a dopamine issue. And because it’s tied to dopamine, that is why people often think ADHD isn’t really a big thing, or that everyone is ADHD, or when they hear the symptoms of ADHD, they identify with them because they’ve experienced the same things due to technology, etc.

And while there is a serious conversation that can be had with regard to society manipulating dopamine, ADHD isn’t just someone who is more susceptible to dopamine manipulation – their actual dopamine system is broken from the word go:

  • That little “win” you receive from checking off an item on your to do list is a tiny hit of dopamine. ADHD brains either:
    • Don’t release that hit
    • Release far less of it
    • Clean up the dopamine before its effects are felt

Mind you, dopamine is how you know what to do. Your brain rewards you for doing things that are productive and work toward a larger goal. It’s the most basic of the chemicals we talked about.

  • Eating releases dopamine, this kept us alive
  • Sex releases dopamine, this kept us populated
  • EVERYTHING we do is dictated by our brains leading us around with dopamine carrots

So, without that regulation, the ADHD mind is constantly switching from thought to thought, trying to figure out what it’s supposed to do. This is not a conscious “figure out” – it just knows that dopamine means it’s doing good. So it’s easily distracted, every (literally every) think being a potential source of dopamine, and thus guidance.

The hyperactivity is often physical in children (moreso in boys, thanks to society expecting boys to be boys). And since that physical hyperactivity tends to fade during the transition into adulthood, for many years it was assumed ADHD was merely a childhood affliction. BUT, the hyperactivity doesn’t go away, it just internalizes into racing, unmanageable thoughts. (Still manifests physically some, leg-shakers, etc)

AND, because not all hyperactivity (seeking dopamine guidance) is physical in children, it often goes underdiagnosed. Especially in girls.

AND, if a child is intellectually gifted, they either:

  • Meet the standards for normal, so aren’t seen as needing diagnosis or treatment (although they’re likely performing WAY below where they could – these children are the ones who, “had such potential”)
  • Internalize their hyperactivity in the same way adults generally do (perhaps due to introversion, societal expectations, etc), and so their struggles aren’t suspected to be ADHD related because they’re not hyper.
  • Girls are often “dreamers” instead of seen as needing help.
  • Boys, well, boys end up never living up to expectations and dyeing their hair green, not to put too fine a point on it.

WHAT ABOUT STIMULANTS?!?

You’ll likely hear that stimulants do the opposite for ADHDers. And on the surface that seems to be true. But that’s not really what’s happening. Now that you have a pseudo-understanding of what’s going on in the ADHD brain, let’s talk about stimulants. (Which are THE most effective psychoactive treatment drugs for their use case across all of psychology. The degree to which they work is off the charts effective.)

  • Touched on it briefly but dopamine is released by the brain when we do something we’re supposed to do, it binds to neuroreceptors giving us the win, and is then reabsorbed. It’s very short lived, but that’s how the process basically goes.
  • ADHD brains do one of two things, and sometimes both:
    • release less (often MUCH less) dopamine when something is accomplished
    • clean up that dopamine quicker than a typical brain
  • There are (2) classes of stimulants used to treat ADHD. Amphetamines and Methylphenidate. (Adderall and Ritalin, respectively)
    • Adderall increases the amount of dopamine released
    • Ritalin slows down the reuptake of the dopamine
    • This is why some people respond better to one class of stimulants over the other. Some people have over active brain vacuums, some people have normal vacuums but don’t release the proper amount in the first place. Some have crappy boths.
  • SO, either way, the stimulants increase the amount of “tonic dopamine” in the brain. How much is sitting around to assure the brain that it’s doing the right thing. So the brain calms TF down, reducing hyperactivity both mentally and physically.
    • The reason stimulants aren’t a good idea for people with high blood pressure is because the two classes of stimulants also cause the brain to release more norepinephrine. It’s related to epinephrine (Adrenaline) but works more on keeping blood pressure up so the brain is flushed with blood during high stress. (This seems to be less of an issue with standard doses, but more on that later when we talk about abuse)
    • Here’s the rub though: It calms down the frantic dopamine seeking so an ADHDer can function. BUT increased tonic dopamine just means there’s less jumping from topic to topic (or chair to chair) – it doesn’t FIX how dopamine works to REGULATE daily activities. So medicine is invaluable and even vital for success, but it’s not enough. Once medicated properly, a person with ADHD has to learn to use tools like reminders, lists, schedules, etc., because while they’re not in panic mode – they still don’t get direction from their brains on what to do. A medicated ADHDer just has the ABILITY to use the sorts of tools that people thing is all they need to have in the first place.

CAFFEINE?

So… what about caffeine?

It does increase dopamine (and norepinepherine) in a roundabout way. It blocks the adenosine receptors, which has the effect of increasing dopamine in the brain. But it’s not terribly efficient at it. Still, many adults with undiagnosed ADHD (and at least one with a diagnosis) drink FAR more caffeine during the day than would be considered normal. Basically it’s self-medicating for ADHD using whatever is at hand. Thinking is slightly better when hopped up caffeine, and so we tend to over indulge.

Oddly, many folks with ADHD do not respond to the adenosine blocking, which is the mechanism caffeine uses to keep most people awake. Perhaps it’s because they’ve built up a tolerance, but there seems to be more to it than that, and it’s not that way for everyone with ADHD. It’s possible it’s something else, or some aspect that isn’t well understood.

I’m one of the ADHDers who doesn’t get “hyped up” from caffeine. When I first approached my doctor about getting tested for ADHD, he asked if a cup of coffee at night would keep me awake. I told him that I have such horrible insomnia, I don’t drink caffeine at night because I can’t fall asleep anyway. He said some people with ADHD seem to be “immune” from the sleepless effects of caffeine, and some folks tend to sleep better. That night I took a cup of caffeinated black tea to bed with me, and drank the whole thing right before shutting the lights off. And I slept better than I could ever remember. The only way I can explain it is the caffeine seems to help me “focus” on falling asleep instead of my brain going 100mph all night. It has changed my life.

WHY PEOPLE ABUSE ADDERALL

When a person who doesn’t have ADHD takes adderall, it does the same thing to their brains. It increases tonic dopamine levels. But their levels were already a normal level, so now the levels are abnormally high. So it feels REALLY good. They have a constant “YOU DID A GOOD THING” feeling because they’re brains are flooded with dopamine, PLUS when they actually do something good, their brain releases MORE.

The effect is that a person with a typical brain chemistry on Adderall gets “hyper” because everything they do is rewarded with OMG SO MUCH DOPAMINE that they want to keep doing all the things! And college kids can study for HOURS or DAYS, because even if they’re body/brain is exhausted, all it knows is THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING BECAUSE MY BRAIN SAYS SO!!!

They’re just high. And it feels GREAT. And the studying is often effective, even if there is a toll – they’re young so the toll is likely one they don’t notice. And because it feels good, they often take way more than what an ADHDer would take, so the blood pressure issues from the extra norepinephrine becomes a real concern. PLUS, all that extra dopamine might cause insensitivity in the neuroreceptors, which means more is required for the same high – and the physical addiction becomes real.

Someone with ADHD, taking the properly prescribed amount of a stimulant almost never get addicted, and while there are different titrations for each person, in general, once the proper dose is found, it works for decades without needing to increase it. Because again, it’s just bringing tonic dopamine levels up to normal amounts.

My point here is, people with ADHD don’t “get high” with a regular, prescribed dose of stimulants. They don’t have an advantage over neurotypical brains who don’t have stimulants. In fact, because their regulation system is still broken, they’re STILL at a disadvantage compared to un-medicated neurotypical students. Which is why accommodations are still appropriate. (There’s a whole other episode about what accommodations make sense for an ADHDer – the typical “more time on a test” is rarely helpful, unless they have secondary issues like dyslexia which would make more time helpful, but I digress)

SO ARE WE ALL A LITTLE ADHD?

There’s a worthwhile discussion to be had about whether technology is causing serious dopamine-related issues with us as a society. BUT, that would be different and/or in addition to ADHD, which is a deficiency in how the brain regulates dopamine.

And yes, I think it might be difficult to tell the difference without some testing designed specifically to look for ADHD in a dopamine driven world. And even with thoughtfully created testing, there still might be some confusion, especially when there is overlap between the two phenomena. But the tendency is to dismiss ADHD as not real because so many people have similar symptoms from dopamine addiction, especially when the people are the same person. (An ADHDer could get addicted to Candy Crush, even if the dopamine hit from making a match is significantly lower than a neurotypical brain)

WHAT ABOUT HYPERFOCUS?

Ha! If people with ADHD can’t focus, explain the “hyperfocus” thing.

  • Everyone has experienced being in the zone
  • For someone with ADHD, that sort of timelessness getting sucked into a project happens more frequently than with the standard population
  • Many see it as a superpower.

But again, what’s actually going on? The phenomenon happens to ADHDers who are medicated and those who are not. Arguably more with unmedicated people, but that sorta makes sense when you realize what’s going on.

Remember that the dopamine response system is b0rked. So the mechanism to regulate what you should be doing at any moment isn’t responsive, or isn’t responsive enough to keep you on a task. So instead of dopamine regulation, an ADHD brain will follow something it’s interested in, and have no safeguards in place to turn back. Interested in the lack of tectonic activity on Venus? Why not start reading about it, and watching youtube videos. As long as it’s interesting to you, nothing will take your mind off of the topic. You’ll forget to eat, sleep, pick up your kids from school, take a shower… Because all that “what you should do” stuff is broken.

Someone on medication is perhaps less likely to fall into one of these holes, because they can more easily choose to do something they know they should be doing. Their minds aren’t racing to find something new or novel that might give them a hit of dopamine, or might at least catch their non-dopamine-influenced interest. So a medicated person isn’t more immune to the hyperfocus sessions, they’re just perhaps less likely to fumble about until something grabs them.

And superpower? Meh. If we could choose what or when we hyperfocus, maybe. But I find my hyperfocus sessions are usually so very, very dumb.

LITANY OF ODDITIES

There are so many other weird things that are often associated with people who have ADHD. Many anecdotal, because it’s difficult to test when not everyone has the same things but off the top of my head:

  • Bad in relationships, often never building a deep relationship and once the newness wears off, look elsewhere for the thrill
    • not always
  • Often VERY generous. Dopamine broken, but oxytocin works fine. Empathy to a fault.
  • Forgetful
  • Often don’t pay attention
  • Itchy tags or uncomfortable clothes can consume attention
  • co-morbidities (mine is major depressive disorder), is it a cause? Just coincide?
  • VERY good in an emergency
    • thinking fast is normal, when there’s a clear, immediate task – ADHDers are BUILT for that
    • it’s crazy, i’ll go from spacey and distracted to 1000% problem-solving mode instantly. If there is a benefit to ADHD, this might be the only one that doesn’t have strings attached
  • Thrill seekers.
    • Nothing motivates us, so extreme sports/actions/danger are attractive because excitement provides some fulfillment.
    • I’m not allowed on 4-wheelers, snowmobiles, motorcycles, or sports cars – because I can’t not be stupid
  • Often drug abusers, for various reasons, various types of drugs – often also due to co-morbidities

You Can’t Take it With You.

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And let’s be honest, no one else wants it.

I went fishing today after I dropped Donna off at work. This will surprise exactly zero people, but this particular fishing stop ended up lasting a lot longer than my normal 20 minutes of worm drowning. (OK, that’s not actually a good description, since I almost always fish with lures, not live bait. But “worm drowning” is such a clever way to describe fishing, it’s hard to resist in prose…)

An older man, probably in his 60s, was walking along the beach and struck up a conversation. It was the standard “two old men talking” banter for a bit, talking about fishing, lake access, etc, etc. Somehow the conversation turned to more serious things, and as I’m casting my Husky Jerk Rapala lure out into the lake (see? not as clever as “drowning worms”), we started talking about the junk humans tend to accumulate over a lifetime. He’d recently gone through the passing of several older family members, and the burden of sorting through possessions and such he experienced both first hand, and by watching his extended family deal with it as their parents died.

Yeah, we were talking about dying. But it wasn’t a depressing talk about it at all. Rather he managed to express a lesson he’d recently had driven home about getting rid of the stuff he owned. I have to give it to the man, whose name I never learned, it never once felt like a lecture or even a lesson he was trying to give me. Rather he was teaching in that most effective of methods: storytelling.

And he wasn’t even telling me a personal story, oddly enough. Just about the general frustration of dealing with probate after someone dies, and the stress, financial cost, and strain on relationships the process creates. Intellectually I’ve known that for a long time, but seeing him saddened by the recent experiences he’d lived and witnessed really drove it home. And it reminded me of what Donna went through when her father and his wife died a few years ago.

The only things Donna wanted from her dad were memories. A few trinkets that reminded her of him were nice, or an heirloom that had no monetary value, but was special to him. It’s easy to imagine your children or grandchildren will want you to leave them something of value. And sure, an inheritance is nice if it doesn’t come with lots of hoops to jump through. Honestly though, when someone you love dies, you just want to remember them.

It’s almost ironic that when someone dies, the “stuff” they leave behind is almost just a bitter reminder of how little the “stuff” in our lives matters. Again, there’s nothing wrong with leaving an inheritance behind, but I think it’s almost kinder to make sure you don’t leave behind a burden. Even burdens of value.

Let me say that again, mainly so I can hear it myself: It might be kinder to not leave behind a burden, even if that burden is a valuable one.

Donna and I have talked for decades about how we would like to have 3 different properties, so we could leave each of our children one when we go. But as we get older, and see what happens when loved ones die — leaving 3 properties seems almost silly. Why would we think our children would want properties to deal with suddenly? It’s unlikely our properties are something they’ll want to live in, especially not at whatever random part of their own lives we happen to die during. So they’re left with the burden of selling those properties, or keeping them as a way to try to keep our memories alive. What a terrible situation to put them into.

If we ever get a cabin on a lake somewhere, setting up a trust that makes the property available for all of them to share, without being an additional burden might be an option. But not just random properties they’ll have to sell and then feel guilty about selling.

The old man at the beach (the other guy, not me) wasn’t even most put out by those types of situations though. For him, it was the stuff left behind. Going through your parent’s stuff after they die is never fun. Those boxes of things in your closet that you haven’t needed for years, but you are keeping because someday you might need them? First off, you almost certainly won’t. But the people who have to sort through it when you die will certainly never need it.

I have a lot of stuff. I have a lot of valuable stuff. But I certainly don’t need the stuff I have, and its value is questionable at best, and nothing but a burden if I’m not here to think it’s worth keeping. I’m going to try to get rid of my stuff. I don’t plan to die any time soon, but when I do, I’d sure like to leave my family with little more than happy memories. Hopefully by then, my most valuable things will already be a part of them, and won’t be something they find in a box anyway.

"I desire to give away the best parts of myself, so at the end of my life, the stuff buried is of no consequence. And my best bits will be immortal.” -Me

eBikes: No Longer a Fan

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I’ve raved about my Lectric XP eBike for a while now. While I haven’t used it this summer (until today, he foreshadows forebodingly), last year I put hundreds of miles on it. The thing is, an eBike, or a, “pedal assist” bike, makes riding a bike fun again.

Remember when you were 12 years old, and you could ride your bike all day? Nothing was too far, and while hills meant standing up and pedaling hard, it was just a minor annoyance. As an adult, a pedal-assist bike is a lot like that. With the fancy pedal bikes I’ve had over the years (as an adult), I never wanted to actually go anywhere far. Because I’d have to pedal back home. And it’s impossible to know when you’re exactly, “half worn out.” So to avoid getting stranded somewhere miles from home, I just never went very far at all. Or, let’s be honest, I just never rode my bicycle. But my Lectric brand eBike changed all that. The battery has about a 20 mile range, and with the cargo rack on the back, I could carry my battery charger and limp to an outlet somewhere if I went further than my range anxiety suggested. Heck, I actually bought a second, larger battery so I could take it with me on that cargo rack, and run my first battery totally dry without any worries about getting stranded.

Today, my battery did not die. But I felt like I might…

My family lives in Petoskey, Michigan. It’s a small town overlooking Little Traverse Bay. We live a few blocks out of the small downtown area, and if you squint really hard through trees after the leaves fall off in autumn, you can see the water from our house. But we’re WAY up on the hill which forms the town. That’s a bummer during the winter, because sometimes the roads get icy and it’s difficult to make it up the hill to our house. Basically, I’m saying town is down a very steep hill, and our house is up that same hill if you’re coming from town. And tonight, I took my bike to town.

In fact, I went all the way to the waterfront, and down several miles of bike path along the shore of Lake Michigan. It was beautiful. Using pedal assist, the eBike will easily zoom along at 20MPH, regardless of how hard to pedal. So I was just leisurely pedaling and cruising with the cool breeze whipping through my green hair. Then, I met a new friend. His name was E007.

It’s supposed to fold in half like this…

Error 007 is a bit of a jerk. I didn’t know anything about him when he first showed up to my bike ride, but googling him shows that he tends to appear when there is a, “motor fault” on your eBike. Unfortunately, the few recommendations on getting rid of my buddy E007 involved taking apart the “guts” of the bike and making sure it was all plugged in. I did take it all apart (seriously, having a Swiss Army Knife with a Phillips screwdriver is AWESOME), but everything was indeed plugged in.

So I was stuck with no assist on my pedal-assist bike. Which brings me to the little bit of information that hasn’t been relevant until now. The Lectric XP eBike weighs as much as an aircraft carrier. And while technically it does function as a pedal-only bike, that word “technically” is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Imagine putting pedals on a Sherman Tank. The only resemblance to riding a bike as a 12yr old is if the 12yr old were having one of those nightmares where you feel like you’re running through pudding.

Also, gentle reader, perhaps the part of the story where I described the elevation difference between my house and the waterfront might make a bit more sense now too. I had to pedal that monster ALL THE WAY HOME.

“But Shawn, just call someone to come pick you up!”

Alas, everyone in my family was gone. That’s why I took a solo bike ride. I was alone, and everyone was at work or home with their own families. So yes, I put the electronics back together, and E007 and me pedaled.

An hour later, and I’m home. Every part of me hurts. There may have been times during the ride when I feared my quadriceps might actually burst into flame, but thanks to the constant dripping of sweat from my head and torso, any potential fires were smothered before igniting.

I don’t like eBikes anymore. At least not today. And yet, in the back of my mind I can still feel the joy of zipping along the lakeshore at 20MPH, with the wind trying to tug off my pink baseball cap. Today could have been a lot worse.

Season 49

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It’s funny that we think of, “middle age” as somewhere around 50. Assuming a 100 year lifespan is pretty darn optimistic. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy to experience mid-life around 65 or so. But unless we make some major medical/robotic advances in the next 30-40 years, it’s likely my mid-life is in the rear view mirror. (And not that, “objects are closer than they appear” one either…)

Today is my 49th birthday. Being born in 1975 makes the birthday math pretty easy, especially when thinking about quarter centuries. While I’m not having some sort of existential crisis about approaching 50, I have to admit it’s a bit unsettling to run out of 40s! Nevertheless, today starts Season 49 (or Series 49 if you’re in the UK). I want to make this a year where I squeeze the joy out of each day. I don’t want to just, “get through” the weekdays in order to stress about Monday on the weekends. If there’s anything getting older has taught me, it’s that we need to live life as it happens. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, and things will NEVER slow down.

I couldn’t sleep last night. That’s not uncommon, unfortunately. Once my brain starts thinking about something, it figures, “hey, nothing is interrupting me — we can get some serious thinking time in! Yay! Think all night!” UGH.

Personally, I think my brain is a bit of a douchebag, but I’m stuck with it. (Unless we figure out that robot thing in the first paragraph…) My thought was that if I really wanted to make sure to live every day to the fullest, I should document it. Vlogs aren’t cool anymore, but if I just wanted to record stuff for myself, it wouldn’t have to be popular or profitable.

Seriously, I thought about it ALL NIGHT. It wasn’t the first time I’d considered such a thing either. Just ask me who owns the season49.com domain… lol. The problem is, I’m not sure *recording* every day is conducive to actually squeezing the juice out of every day. It sounds fun today, but will episode 149 be a frustrating burden not even halfway through the season? I did the 90DaysOfMayhem challenge, and did really enjoy it — but the self-made rules were I just had to upload some sort of video every day. If I’m documenting my entire day into a Vlog, that sounds like a lot of hours of forced editing.

So maybe instead of a daily Vlog, I commit to a daily Blog. I do want to write more often, and my Patreon supporters listed blogging as my most valued creative endeavor. Heck, maybe Season 49 can just be a commitment to reflect on each and every day in some manner. Maybe a blog post. Maybe a Vlog entry. Maybe a TikTok if some wisdom is bestowed upon me in the supermarket. What do you think, noble reader? Does, “reflect on the day, every day, in some way” fill the role of trying to squeeze the joy out of life? I realize it’s totally my call, but as a full night of thinking demonstrates; deciding is not my strong suit.

But look! If that’s my plan (which it sorta feels like it might be), I’ve already finished Episode 1. And you just watched it. Whatdoyathink?

Oh Look, a Squirrel, er, I mean FISH!

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While my life has been one long string of weirdly-deep obsessions which fizzle out after I gain some level of mastery, only in the past few years have I realized why such things happen. As with so many of my weird quirks, hyper focusing on one weird hobby or passion after another is a pretty common trait of ADHD. Ayup. What is now super obvious was just a weird personal quirk people either found endearing or annoying. I still have no idea how no one ever realized I had ADHD. I tick almost every single box when it comes to symptoms. ANYWAY, what was I talking about? (ha, see what I did there?)

My latest obsession is fishing. I blame my friend Josh. He moved out to Kansas a few years ago, so I rarely get to see him. But about a month ago, he came into town for personal business, and messaged me to see if I wanted to go fishing while he was in town. I hadn’t been fishing in years, but honestly I was just so glad he didn’t ask if I wanted to go *golfing* or something equally horrible, I jumped on the opportunity. Plus, my newest son-in-law is a fisherman, and it would give us a chance to bond while I introduced him to one of my closest friends.

My son-in-law with a Cisco
My son-in-law, Niel, caught a few of these.

They both caught a few Cisco (Lake Herring), which are actually making a comeback in Lake Michigan. I, on the other hand, caught a tiny 3 inch long Goby, which is an invasive species. As it turns out, I’m just not a great fisherman. But more on that in a bit.

When I knew Josh was coming to town in order to go fishing, I knew that was my chance to upgrade my fishing gear. I had a couple fishing poles, but they were very old, and I wasn’t sure if they were even in working order. So like any good hyper-focused ADHDer, I researched for DAYS about what sort of fishing pole and reel I should get, along with the different types of fishing line.

(You didn’t know there were different types of fishing line? Oh you poor soul, perhaps you should stop reading and go research monofilament vs fluorocarbon vs braided line. Then followup with a deep dive on how to properly load your reel with backing line, followed by braid, with a monofilament or fluorocarbon leader, depending on the length and action of your rod. What does action mean, you ask? See, fishing rods have both power and action, which are also affected by the length of the rod itself… wait, what were we talking about?)

-Shawn’s brain derailing the conversation
This monster was my catch that day. The photo is actual size. If you’re reading this on your phone…

So yeah. I got a brand new light power, fast action, 7′ long Lew’s MACH I fishing rod with a matching reel. Honestly, I hadn’t yet gone down the road of researching fishing line when I bought the rod/reel combo, so I just filled it with standard 6lb test fluorocarbon fishing line. I bought an assortment of fishing lures, not really knowing what we were going to fish for, and thought that would be the end of it.

But as my foreshadowing about the nuances of fishing line has already given away, that afternoon of fishing was not the end of it. Oh no. My poor showing when we fished sparked a sort of *need* in me to figure out how to be a fisherman. Fishing, as it turns out, is actually really really complex. There is SO MUCH to learn, and it’s the sort of physical activity that doesn’t require traditional sportsball-type skills. (Unless maybe it does, and that’s why I’m not very good at it… hmm.)

Sadly, this isn’t even close to all the tackle storage boxes I’ve printed. This just all that fit in frame…

Since that fishing trip a month or so ago, I’ve purchased several more fishing rods. I also dug out my old equipment from years ago, and the stuff that was still viable has been cleaned and sorted. I have watched hours and hours of YouTube videos about fishing in different situations, using different lures. I’ve used my 3D printer to print out multiple styles of fishing tackle holders, including inserts designed for Altoid tins for pocket sized travel packs of lures. I’ve mapped every body of water in my area that has shore-accessible fishing, and tried multiple apps designed for knowing the best places and times to fish. And I’ve attempted to fish in most of the places I’ve been able to find, including roadside bridges on tiny creeks using ultralite fishing equipment.

Yeah. I’m deep, DEEP into an ADHD hobby spiral, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be out of it any time soon. That said, it’s been pretty frustrating, and I have zero desire to go ice fishing in the cold. It’s likely this new obsession will pass with the season, and when the snow flies I’ll be well into another quirky pastime like gelato making or blindfolded martial arts. While I’m still in this obsession, however, here are a few things I’ve learned:

  • Even though I live in Northern Michigan, surrounded by more freshwater than most places in the world, there are a frustrating lack of places one can fish from shore.
  • I’m worried that previous factoid will lead to me trying to purchase a plastic bass boat I can fit in the back of my truck. This model is just so awesome I could cry.
  • Fishing with live bait doesn’t really appeal to me. I think the idea of using a lure feels more sporty, and the vast array of lures makes for so much to learn about each type and their use cases.
  • I also just catch and release. I don’t want to clean and eat fish I catch. I much prefer to let them go. That’s just me though, I don’t begrudge anyone who wants to eat what they catch.
  • Based on how often Donna will come with me while I fish, only to sit in a camp chair and read a book, it’s proof that I married SO VERY WELL. Seriously, I don’t know how she puts up with me.
  • Catching occasional fish, even tiny fish, makes the whole experience enjoyable. If you get skunked 3 or 4 outings in a row, it can get really frustrating. Yes, the fishing is still fun, but never catching a fish is just an emotional kick in the crotch.
  • Fishing is HARD. Well, that’s not true. CATCHING FISH is hard. So maybe, “FISHING WELL” is the thing that is difficult.

Honestly, as obsessions go, there are plenty of worse options than fishing. Getting outside is something I don’t do often enough, so that alone is probably healthy for me. I sorta hope I do keep interest in the hobby. It’s fun, and if I actually get better at it, I could potentially make it fun for others too. There are few things I enjoy more than helping other people succeed, so if I’m eventually that guy who can kickstart a healthy hobby for someone else? Well it might be one more way I take advantage of ADHD, instead of suffering from it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to look up gelato recipes…

An Idea I Had About a Thing…

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I recently bought a few, “morning meditation” type books. I’m not really someone who actually goes through the process of proper meditation, but I wanted a short snippet that I could read and reflect on first thing in the morning. These types of things tend to be uplifting, encouraging, and generally just positive vibes all the way down.

I kinda need that.

So anyway, I’ve been reading the MorningThing and enjoying it. But I usually forget about it halfway through my first sip of coffee. (I generally read the daily medication thingy while my coffee is brewing) So I’ve been trying to think of a way to reflect on the morning GoodVibes thing throughout the day. I thought maybe the process of recording myself throughout the day as I ponder the MorningThing would be a way to keep myself accountable.

Since it would be a, “throughout my normal day” sort of thing, the videos would just be me whipping out my phone and recording on the fly. Then, at the end of the day I could combine the videos into a sort of mashup of my daily ponderings. I could write up something on a blog post, and embed the video into the blogpost for folks who want to see me squeeze the juice out of the MorningThing.

I don’t think I could do it every single day, at least not successfully. But probably once a week, especially if in the morning the MorningThing seems particularly thought provoking. Anyway, that was the idea I had during a bout of insomnia last week. It stuck with me, so this is the next step in making it happen.

What do you think?

A Walk in the Woods

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For some odd reason, the weather in late February decided to go on vacation for a day. Today, we have several inches of fresh snow, and below zero windchills — yesterday it was in the mid 60s. And even though I’m behind at work, it seemed like an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up, and so I took a walk in the local nature preserve at our community college.

An additional bonus is that I can get a handle on whether or not this will be a good hiking trail for Donna and I to hike once she gets a walking boot. (She is currently in a cast after her THIRD surgery in less than a year)

While today is miserable, yesterday was a really nice glimpse at what the summer is like in Northern Michigan. Feel free to take a walk with me and see some of the early spring happenings in the woods!

Spoiler Me. Please.

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There are so many weird quirks that come with ADHD. Mind you, I was only diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago. And while it explains so many oddities about me, some personality traits which I always attributed to being eccentric end up being pretty common for ADHDers.

Greatest American Hero, looking terrified while flying.

That both annoys and fascinates me.

It’s annoying, because I hate that almost every aspect of why I am the way I am tends to have roots in the way my brain is wired. I mean yeah, I guess it makes sense that, “how your brain works” sorta defines you, but still, I feel like my skull meat should have come with an owner’s manual.

One strangeness I recently discovered is my propensity to prefer knowing how a movie or TV show ends before watching it. Yes, I’d rather know all the spoilers. No, it doesn’t make the watching less enjoyable. Quite the opposite in fact.

Many people can relate to at least part of the issue. If you won’t watch a movie because you know the dog dies, you sorta understand the sentiment. Even if the dog dying is central to the plot of the movie, for many folks, it’s not worth the emotional trauma. (Honestly, https://www.doesthedogdie.com is a godsend, I can’t recommend it enough)

Now imagine seemingly mundane aspects of a movie carried that same emotional trauma for you. Like if the inevitable conflict in the second act is from a spouse cheating. Or from a middle-schooler getting bullied. Or from a character experiencing heartbreak. Or from a misunderstanding causing an animated snowman to feel unwelcome. Imagine every second act of a movie was as mentally debilitating as John Wick’s puppy crawling across the floor to be near him. That’s usually what it’s like inside my head. So I want to know what happens in advance. Sometimes it means I don’t want to watch the thing at all. But often, knowing what happens somehow reduces the anxiety over the situation to the point where I can enjoy the journey.

If this doesn’t resonate with you, that’s OK. If it seems a bit immature to struggle with emotions over such trivial things, hey, I agree. But one of the wonderful, terrible things about the way ADHD brains work is they tend to have extreme emotions, and very little ability to manage them.

It really annoys me when my idiosyncrasies are just bullet points in the, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your Brain to Function Normally” book of ADHD. But also, it’s sometimes nice to understand why you’re that weird half-melted snowflake who can only wear certain shirts because over-sensitivity to textiles is part of your neural norm. (I wish I were kidding, but that’s another post altogether…)

I Know a Guy Who Can Fix This

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It’s currently mid-January in Northern Michigan, and last week, we had green grass with temperatures in the 50s. (Fahrenheit… we weren’t cooking eggs on the sidewalk or anything) Then this week, we got several feet of snow. And the brakes on my truck failed. And I’m housesitting for my daughter. So it’s been a week of almost zero productivity at work.

Oh look, my screen saver is active in the middle of the day…

Here’s the rub: Those are excuses, and fairly wishy-washy excuses at that. I could have done more work, and actually being stuck at home even meant I should have had an easier time working. But I didn’t. For whatever reason.

Common wisdom dictates that we can’t change the past, so we just need to focus on the future. But it’s one of those adages which is easy to say and quite a bit more difficult to actually internalize. Because, you see, now I’m behind. The whole point of coming to grips with not being able to change the past is that it’s supposed to free you from the anxiety of what you did or didn’t do, because you can’t change it.

But… like… being in the soup is stressful! In order to meet deadlines (I need to finish my current course by the end of the month), it means I have so much more work to do than my normal amount. Therein lies the stress. And in the past (ok, still, but I’m working on it), I would use that anxiety, shame, and looming deadline to motivate my ADHD brain into action. The problem is, it’s a terribly miserable way to live.

Ask me how I know.

(OK, this next part is specifically to the literal Brain of Shawn)

Listen up, wonky brain in my skull: You know how you always love problem solving and emergency situations because it allows you to take advantage of all those weird ADHD quirks? Well you have a doozy of a situation that has been handed to you. You have an absolute butt-ton of work that needs to be completed in a crazy-small amount of time.

BUT IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

Actually? It is your fault, but it doesn’t matter if it is your fault or not, the blame doesn’t change anything about what needs to be done. Except that if you stop hating yourself, feeling shame, and avoiding joy because you feel like you don’t deserve it, etc, etc — you will actually be able to use that insane ability to perform in a crisis. You get to save the day, and make a seemingly hopeless situation turn into success for someone else.

You just need to let that someone else not be someone else. It’s OK to save the day for yourself sometimes. You do deserve it. And you are worthy of joy both now and once this crisis is averted. You’re better at everything when you’re light-hearted and joyful.

So please, be nice to my friend Shawn. He’s really hard on himself, and could use the same compassion and understanding you give to everyone else. And if you ever find yourself in a pinch? He’s the kind of guy who you want helping. Even if he doesn’t realize it.

Be kind, everyone. Especially to yourself. If you’ve read this far, it’s unlikely you’re someone who treats others poorly in order to make yourself feel better. But you might treat yourself poorly for… reasons. So I’ll try to be nice to my friend Shawn, and you try to do the same to your friend $YOUR_NAME

Suicide Brakes

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If you’re not a car buff, the notion of a, “master cylinder” might not immediately scream, “brakes” for you. But the master cylinder on a vehicle is the place where brake fluid goes. It’s the plunger mechanism that converts pressing the brake pedal into hydraulic pressure that applies the stopping power.

The master cylinder is also where the reservoir(s) for the brake fluid itself reside(s). There are many nuances of braking systems, varying from power brakes vs manual brakes, disc vs drum, and these days even regenerative brakes on EVs. But sometime in the early 60s (I think, I couldn’t find an exact date), master cylinders switched from single reservoir to dual reservoir. It was for several reasons, but the most important was the safety it offered.

See, with a single reservoir master cylinder, if a brake line were to break or get cut, all the pressure created when stomping on the pedal would cause brake fluid to squirt out of the break or cut in the line. And if all the brake lines are connected to one single reservoir in one single hydraulic system, it would mean little to no pressure used for stopping the car. Many folks would refer to the single chamber master cylinder as, “suicide brakes” — because there was no redundancy.

Dual chamber master cylinders usually come with two different size reservoirs. This is because for a very long time, the back wheels used drum brakes, and the front wheels used disc brakes. (The disc brakes generally required the larger amount of fluid) But arguably most important was the separation of the front and back brakes hydraulic systems meant that if one system was compromised due to a break or cut, the other wheels weren’t affected, and the car could still stop. Thus the term, “suicide brakes” when referring to the old system with only one chamber.

Now, that’s an oversimplification. Modern cars actually have a single reservoir for adding fluid, but there are still two chambers in the master cylinder, keeping the front and back hydraulic systems independent, even though they are all disc brakes these days. (except for EVs, I have no idea what those magical unicorns do)

SO.

On Saturday, when Donna and I were driving home with my truck, in the middle of a blizzard; and the brake pedal felt a bit squishy, it was disconcerting — but not terrifying. My truck has 4 wheel disc brakes, and if indeed a brake line broke (which is usually what causes a brake pedal to get squishy in a modern vehicle), it was bad, but even during the blizzard, we’d likely be fine as long as we realized our braking ability was probably significantly reduced. We’d get home, cuss a bit, and then take the truck in for brake work once the blizzard was over. (I don’t have a garage, there’s no way I’m replacing brake lines in the winter outside)

And we did technically make it home safely, but it was just barely. And I mean just barely. See — while I haven’t been able to get to the truck to look under the hood (blizzard: truck is buried now), as soon as we turned down our road, the ENTIRE master cylinder gave way, shot brake fluid all over the hot engine (we could smell burning brake fluid), and completely stopped stopping the truck.

Brakes aren’t supposed to fail so catastrophically anymore, because the dual hydraulic systems are designed to keep your brake pedal working somewhat when you have a break/cut. So apparently the part of the brake system before the dual chambers (the plunger bits that convert pedal pushes into hydraulic pressure, most likely) just completely broke in epic fashion. Thankfully, we were already on our road, and going quite slow.

I managed to get the truck up our VERY steep driveway, and put it into park. We went inside, cussed a little, did a quick prayer of thanks, and moved on. The next day, I had to move the truck to get to the car parked behind it, and when I pulled it down the steep driveway, sure enough, there was NOTHING to slow the truck down even a little. Well, except for the snowbank across the street. (I was prepared for that, but still, it’s freaky to experience)

Now my truck is back up the driveway, all the way in the back, and buried in another snowstorm’s leavings. It will stay there until Spring, because like I said earlier, there’s no way I’m going to work on the brake system of my truck in the winter, in our gravel driveway, OUTSIDE.

So, how was your weekend? 🙂