Family

Losing Weight

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It’s very difficult. However, both Donna and I really need to lose weight. I need to lose about 40 pounds, and Donna needs to lose some too. (I’m not going to say how much she wants to lose — I’m transparent, but I’m not stupid) Donna paid for a month at the local “gym”, which is really a physical therapy place that has aerobic classes and such. She LOVES going there, and the exercise is great for her.

I still hate exercise.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and it’s not physical activity that bothers me, it’s the lack of accomplishing anything. If we had a woodstove, I would happily chop wood for hours. If I had to crank start our car every morning, I would do so without complaint. Heck, I think if I had to ride an exercise bike in order to generate electricity to watch TV — I would do it. I just hate exercise for exercise’s sake. And no, “getting healthy” doesn’t count as a productive activity. I’m too short sighted for such a thing. 🙂

If it wasn’t for the ice and snow 6 months out of the year, I would buy a bicycle and ride to work every day. But that gets REALLY unpleasant around this time of year. Also, it makes hauling equipment difficult. It also makes it hard to take the kids to school and such. I don’t know what I’ll do on the exercise front, but for now I’m concentrating on food.

Food. I really like food. I’m going to try taking this opportunity to cook more at home, and cook healthier than we’ve been eating. Most of my “specialty” dishes are vegan, and very healthy. (Vegan and healthy are not automatically inclusive) I’m hoping to rekindle my love of cooking, and in turn eat foods that make me skinny instead of fat.

Wish us luck!

Shawn’s Beef Stroganoff Recipe

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I tweeted about my world famous beef stroganoff, and got a few requests for the recipe. The cool part is that the recipe is DEAD SIMPLE. And it always pleases. I got the original recipe from my Mom, I’m just a little more picky about the process. Here goes:

1 Bag wide egg noodles (whole wheat works, and tastes fine)
1 Can cream of mushroom soup
1 Package dry onion soup mix
1 16oz container of sour cream (low fat works good, fat free isn’t quite as tasty)
1 lb Beef. Any beef works, I usually use lean stew meat or steak

Procedure:

  1. Fill large pot with water for noodles. Start this first, as it takes the longest. In fact, go have a cup of coffee after you start the water, because if you start the next steps right away, you’ll be waiting for the noodles to cook.
  2. Heat thin layer of oil (I use porcini infused olive oil imported from Italy, but whatever you like) in a thick bottomed pan. Get it hot, so that a drop of water dances like crazy if dripped on it.
  3. Put cubed meat into pan. I cut into small bite size pieces. IMPORTANT: Do not stir! Let the meat sear to seal in the flavor and tenderness. After a few minutes of cooking, check the meat to see if it has a good searing on the pan side. Then stir up the meat and continue cooking on high flame.
  4. About now, your water pot is probably boiling. Add the noodles and stir them up. Let them cook while you finish the rest.
  5. When the meat starts to release its juices so that it looks like the meat is boiling, turn down the flame to medium low, and add the dry soup mix. (Don’t boil the meat, it will get tough) Stir up the meat/soup mixture until you get a thick slurry of yummy smelling goodness. Depending on the meat you use, you may have to add a little water so the soup mix dissolves.
  6. Add can of concentrated cream of mushroom soup. Do not add the can of water, just put in the concentrated stuff. Stir in with the meat/onion soup mixture, and heat on low heat until it’s hot. Turn off the flame, and see how your timing was. Are the noodles done?
  7. Drain noodles, return to pot.
  8. Mix sour cream into meat mixture. You want to wait until the last minute with this, because the fresher the sour cream is, the better the stroganoff tastes.
  9. I always mix the cream mixture into the noodles. It is the perfect amount for noodle mixing. If you prefer to pour the gravy mix over noodles on the plate, so be it, but your leftovers may not match up proportion-wise. You’ve been warned.
  10. Eat and enjoy! NOTE: Unlike most foods, while still delicious, it tastes best right after it’s prepared and not the next day as leftovers. Also, doubling or tripling the recipe works very well. Even though it’s not as good the next day, I always make WAY more than we’ll eat so I can have it the next day. 🙂

That’s it. You now know my super simple, super secret, recipe. Thanks Mom!

Washing Out Your Brain

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No, this actually looks more normal than actually using the device I bought.Have you ever heard of “Neti Pots” ? Apparently Oprah told the world how awesome they are, and now doctors are recommending them. Last week when I went to urgent care about a headache, sure enough the guy suggested I use a “Neti Pot” type thing. Actually, he suggested the Binford 2000 variety that uses a squeeze bottle, but the concept is the same.

Squirt salt water up one nostril, let it circulate in your cranium, and then drain out the other side.

It’s one of the strangest pseudo-medical things I’ve ever done. It feels about as exciting as it sounds. I don’t think it does anything useful, but there are a few interesting side effects:

  1. You can feel your sinuses fill with water. It’s a little like getting a snoot full of pool water on accident, but without the chlorine
  2. If your nose is slightly stuffy, the pressure induced by the squeeze bottle will do many interesting things to your eyes and ears. Namely, make them uncomfortable.
  3. You look and feel like a complete idiot, and the logic of sinus squirting rivals that of snipe hunting. Apparently it’s a real thing though. I guess.
  4. The most interesting side effect however, is that minutes, hours, or even days later, a gush of trapped water will work its way out and and effectively spew soggy nose goblins all over the table/computer/dinnerplate/date you are sitting near. You will have no warning, and no chance of stopping the flow.

Thanks a ton, Oprah.

Amanda Starves, So Others Don’t Have To

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You may remember last year, my church youth group participated in the 30 Hour Famine to raise money for those in need. We’re doing it again this year, and our oldest girl, Amanda, is now old enough to be in youth group. I told her she could ask the people that read my blog if they’d like to donate, but she had to do it herself. So here she is:

To donate to Amanda online, follow this link. The famine is this weekend, so if you want to pledge but can’t actually donate for a few weeks — please just drop me an email letting me know your intent so we can get a total amount raised for the weekend.

Thanks for watching, this fundraiser is really powerful for the teens because for American teenagers 30 hours is a long time to go without food. For more details on the famine, check out that link at the beginning of this post to last year’s.

The Truth About Boxers and Briefs

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Max here prefers WonderDog Underoos over Superman -- but as long as you don't make him wear boxers, he won't bite you.This post crosses way over the line of TMI, but if you’re remotely interested in some insight into the boxer and brief debate, and not offended by references to dangley bits, this post might be educational. It might also be a complete farce, it’s hard to tell.

This evening, due to my inability to put my dirty clothes in the hamper, I have no clean underwear. I recently got out of the shower, and realized my situation too late to do much about it. So I grabbed a pair of boxer shorts and put them on. I really don’t like boxer shorts. So let’s talk about my misery a bit, OK?

  • Boxer shorts are not underwear. You can feel free to disagree with me, but sadly you’re wrong. (Hey, lay off, it’s my blog) Look at their name: “Boxer shorts“. They’re shorts. The only reason they’ve become synonymous with underwear is so many people wear them as such. It’s much easier to say, “I prefer boxers”, than to admit, “I actually don’t wear any underwear — but don’t worry I always wear a pair of shorts under my pants so if my zipper falls down you don’t need to call the cops”. See, the latter just doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily.
  • Before you start bragging about how great your boxer shorts are, take into account the real reason I think some of us prefer actual underwear. You ever been fishing? If you fish for little fish, like perch for instance, when you catch one you simply pull it out of the water dangling from your fishing line. It works great. If you go salmon fishing, however, you need a net to pull those big suckers in. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.
  • I think boxers are more popular with people in their 20s because they weren’t alive in the time period that tight jeans were “in.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that wearing boxers while wearing tight jeans is an easy way pinch things off. I’m just saying.
  • It’s true there are lots of cool boxer shorts to be found. Cartoons characters, funny quips, strange designs, etc. Sadly, the days of awesome themed underwear are largely over for those of us that wear briefs. Back in the day, we could wear Underoos — but unfortunately I can’t find Superman undies in my size anymore. And yes, I’d probably wear them if I could. Shut up, you would too.
  • I realize some doctors recommend boxers for men that are having a hard time conceiving children. I say get a new doctor. Sorry guys, see above mentions of pinching things off. Sometimes you gotta get a second opinion.
  • Bikini things are not the same as briefs. Look, no one wants to see you in those. And if you’re an underwear model or something, and the ladiez really do want to see you in something that resembles a tiger-striped Speedo, chances are you’re not reading my blog anyway. One thing is for sure, none of the guys at the gym want to see you wearing that crap, so save it for jungle night at home or something. (And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t blog about it. Please.)
  • The flies in tighty-whiteys: No one actually threads their thing through that ridiculous maze of fabric in order to save the time it takes to pull down the front. Sorry of that steals the magic away for some of you, but it’s true. They are not functional as a weenie escape route, and even if you go through the trouble of doing so, let’s just say garden hoses aren’t the only things that kink.
  • So why are there double layers of cotton on the front of tighty-whiteys if you can’t use them for.. “that”? Ok, you asked. That dual layered front is for absorbency. Eiw right? Well, there is an unwritten law that says “Thou shall shake the drips off with 2 shakes only. Thou shall not shake more than twice. I meanest it, thou shall not. Three shakes is not OK, thou knowest it to be true…” So if the two shakes doesn’t sufficiently do the job, the two cotton layers are there to protect you from pee dots. Yeah, so what happens to your boxer friends after an unsuccessful double shake? Well lets just say they don’t have a double thick layer of cotton. Double Eiw.

    • And I think that will sufficiently gross enough people out to make up for my suffering in boxers this evening. I feel better. How about you? 😀

Real Life Zombies: Insomniacs

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Line #24 is BRAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS. Most zombies hope by pickup line #23 they score... (I have no idea where it came from so I don't know who to credit.)At first glance, insomnia really does seem cool. No, I’m serious. I don’t know about you, but I’m often annoyed that I need to spend a third of my life pointlessly sleeping. I’ve got things to do man.

Unfortunately insomnia really isn’t as cool as just “never getting tired.” See, here it is almost midnight and I’m so absurdly tired that I have to concentrate on every word to make sure it makes sense. Dirt puddle fluffy leg McDoogle dryer. (hehehe, see what I did there…)

I figured I’d take this opportunity to dispel a few misconceptions about what it means to have insomnia. Yes, it means you can’t sleep, but there’s more to it than that:

  • Insomnia means you’re tired but can’t sleep. It doesn’t mean you’re not tired so you don’t sleep.
  • While some methods of curing (or at least remedying) sleeplessness work for some people, for others they don’t. My examples will be for my case, obviously.
  • Reading (again for me) doesn’t work, because I’m too tired to concentrate, so the book doesn’t soak in. It’s basically like reading strings of pointless words. That gets boring pretty quick
  • Counting sheep. Please. I could barely force myself to count sheep if I actually had sheep I was responsible to keep track of.
  • Over the counter drugs for sleep aid generally do make me go to sleep, but only in short, freakishly strange bouts of dreams. I get out of bed in the morning not only still tired, but as if I just lived through a season of the X-Files
  • Work. Sounds good right? Can’t sleep, just do some work. The problem is that my brain is silly putty, remember? Trust me you don’t want me configuring servers OR writing for a magazine in this state. You think I’m bizarre on a good day, just imagine “loopy” Shawn. It sounds better on paper, trust me.

To add insult to injury, in order to actually function the following day I usually need to caffeinate myself. I’m sure you see the problem that likely causes and the vicious circle I find myself in.

So as midnight looms and I’ve already tried for hours to sleep — I now go into the mode that I try relaxation techniques and such. If things go like they have been, about 4:30 I’ll start debating whether trying to go to bed will be worse than just staying up. 4:30 is about my “point of no return” time. About then I consider making coffee.

Sweet dreams everyone. 🙂

No Pants Wednesday

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No, I don't own these pants. But I would totally wear them if I did. :)There are some things I do that are almost too absurd to share with the public. Thankfully, this isn’t one of them. Plus, I “shared” with the public more than I ever intended to anyway…

This morning, due to insomnia problems, I was getting ready for work after my family had already left for school. As I was going through my groggy morning routine I got a call on my cellphone telling me every computer in our school district was frozen. I correctly assumed they didn’t mean the temperature had drastically dropped and rather they were all unresponsive.

My first response after hanging up was to blame the dog.

“Tux! Why are the new switches failing me!?!?!”

Submissive little creature that he is, Tux decided it was time to roll over and let me rub his tummy. I did so, but then scooped him up and put him in his dog crate. (See, Tux thinks alone time is best spent pooping and peeing on carpets, but that’s another story altogether)

I quickly found a pair of mismatched socks from the sock basket, my norm, and put them on. I sat on the couch and tied up my Converse All-Stars. Then as I sprinted through the dining room, I grabbed my tattered jean jacket from the back of the chair where I hung it last night.

Thankfully it’s still early spring here in Michigan. You see, in my haste and confusion I had forgotten to put on pants. The crisp April air on my ghostly white legs quickly pointed out the error. It’s quite possible the neighbor lady died of shock.

Rest assured I did go back inside and put on some pants. Which is good, because I also didn’t have my keys, so I would have been a pantsless maniac pounding on the outside of a school building. I’m pretty sure you go to jail for stuff like that…

WD2500JS-40NGB2

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The other eye is crying. :(This hard drive contains over 16,000 photos of my kids growing up. No, I don’t have a backup. Yes, I thought I did. (An untested backup is no backup at all)

I’m 99% sure the PCB failed. The mechanics inside the drive I believe are fine. The problem is, I need to find the exact same model number (WD2500JS-40NGB2) in order to test that theory out.

It will cost over $1,000 to get the drive recovered. I only need to borrow the PCB (circuit board) from a similar drive in order to get the data from it. I would REALLY appreciate it if anyone reading this would tweet, dent, shout, ask their neighbor, etc, etc, if anyone has this specific model of Western Digital 250GB SATA hard drive that I might borrow.

I know it’s a longshot, but who knows. 🙂