Family

How I Broke Into Our Van (with Video)

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There have been some questions about my Houdini act, so I’ll set the record straight…

1) I am not the one that locked the keys in the car. I think that’s important to note. So, noted. 🙂

2) Our van is a 2007 Caravan, and doesn’t lend itself to jamming a coat hanger anywhere. Well, not with any actual hopes of doing anything useful.

3) I used the piece of plastic (a cheap cutting board) to jam in between the door and the car. The baffles that prohibit stuff getting jammed in there are pretty easily (read: hour of jamming and wedging) fooled by a piece of stiff yet flexible plastic.

4) Once I had the plastic half in and half out, I poked a hole in the plastic and set a snare with the string.

5) Using physics to both bend the plastic so it would properly lasso the lock mechanism, and gravity to aid in the targeting system, I looped a slip knot around the lock and snugged it up.

6) I shimmied the string up the plastic sheet and then tugged to unlock the door.

7) The theft deterrent system immediately honked my victory to the neighborhood. 🙂

For those of you that are visual learners, here’s a reenactment of the whole thing:

Requesting Song Suggestions

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The thing you don't suspect is that this dog actually "Ahwooo's" with a deep bass voice.I like music, I really do. I don’t listen to music as much as other people, largely because I like music so much that it sucks me in. I can’t work with music playing, because I just stop and listen to the music. I can usually watch TV while working, because it doesn’t draw me an as much as music.

Here’s my problem: After my car accident, I don’t really recall all the music that I used to. I know of many artists, but my knowledge is usually responsive rather than something I can call up at will. (ie, I hear a song and I recognize it, but I’d never think of it before hearing it first)

I’m hoping those that read my blog can help with directing me to songs I might like. Please don’t hesitate to suggest something. My likes are widely varied, and change from day to day. The kind of music I really want to rediscover would be music that:

  • Shows off really good vocals
  • Showcases unique vocal talents, a voice that is easily identifiable.
  • I prefer lighter instruments. If it’s not terribly clear, I’m big on vocals. 🙂
  • Art trumps perfection. The reason Miles Davis was so great was that he was perfect at his imperfections. The way he would fall off a note at the perfect time would add character not attainable with mere musical perfection. You can feel free to disagree, but that’s the kind of music I’m looking for. (Ironic I used an instrumental musician to showcase what I mean about vocals I really like — but a really good instrument counts too. Maybe it’s not just the human voice I like.)
  • I really hope for specific song suggestions. Norah Jones, for example, I find to be absolutely brilliant. I don’t *feel* all of her songs though. So please, be specific.

So what do you think? Do you have any suggestions? Here are some random artists I enjoy from time to time:

Norah Jones, Jane’s Addiction, Nirvana, 3rd Day, Barry Manilow, Randy Travis, The Carpenters, Elton John, REM. I know there are tons more, but sadly I just can’t recall all the good ones. Please help me. 🙂

What it Means to Live in a Small Town

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Living in a small town means:

  • If you forget to tip your waitress, you drive back to the restaurant and do so.
  • If you take a sick day, you’d better be sick, and you’d better stay home. If you don’t, everyone will know.
  • You don’t have to lock your car. If someone steals it, everyone else will know who did it.
  • Police officers have a difficult time making friends, because if they showed favoritism to everyone they knew — no one would get speeding tickets.
  • Everybody knows your business. Everybody.
  • The only comfortable way to buy condoms, feminine products, or adult diapers is through the self checkout. Before that technology, it was either awkward or you drove to the next town.
  • You buy groceries locally, even though it costs a bit more. Because you know the owners, and they are good and honest people.
  • Everyone knows who gives the good candy at Halloween.
  • If you run out of a prescription, the local pharmacist will give you a few pills while they wait for the doctor to call in the refill. Even if the prescription is outdated. UPDATE: I don’t mean any controlled substances here, strictly things like blood pressure meds.
  • Fundraisers work. And you buy more candy, knick-knacks, and pizza kits than you’d ever need. Because it is benefiting the local school kids.
  • Phrases like, “I’ll have the regular” really works at restaurants.
  • School pride is a town-wide phenomenon.
  • The librarian knows what sorts of books you enjoy, and will offer some useful advice on new reads.
  • If your dog, cat, or child run away from home, someone will bring them back to you.
  • If you get fired for doing something stupid — it’s hard to get another job, because everyone knows the stupid thing you did.
  • Checking candy at Halloween is a lot less stressful. Sure, you still throw away the cupcakes from old weird Harriot, but not because they’re poisoned, rather because she’s really weird and put unwrapped cupcakes in your kid’s bags.
  • People attend high school sporting events. Lots of people.
  • If someone breaks down on the side of the road, you stop to help them. Even if it means you get dirty, are late to work/church/school, or aren’t dressed for the task.

That’s just off the top of my head. Feel free to add more.

25 Things You Don’t Know About My Dog

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I really hate memes, so I figured I’d tell you about my dog instead. To be honest, he’s probably more interesting than me anyway. So here ya go:

I know you think he's sitting in a sunbeam, but actually the light is coming from him. We found him near the nuclear power plant.

1. His name is Tux, but originally it was Fizz-Gig. It fit him well.

2. Our cat is bigger than he is.

3. She reminds him of that when he tries to attack her.

4. His tail stub both creeps me out and fascinates me.

5. He does not like anyone to grab it.

6. He needs his hair cut more often than I do.

7. He’s the runt in a litter where both parents were runts of their own litters. He’s a very tiny Silky Terrier.

8. He very rarely pees in the house anymore.

9. I don’t think he realizes he’s a dog.

10. I’m quite certain he doesn’t realize he’s 8 inches tall.

11. When his hair gets cut, and his eyes are again visible, it freaks me out. I think he stares at me on purpose.

12. He will eat things so gross I can’t write about them on my blog.

13. And then licks people’s faces.

14. When given a stuffed toy, he immediately disembowels it. So quickly in fact, that it’s a little unsettling.

15. When he was a puppy, the hair matted shut over his butt. It was one of the grossest dog experiences I’ve ever been a part of. We threw the scissors away.

16. He’s neutered. (I never said 25 things you wanted to know about him)

17. He is really good at playing fetch.

18. Tux will not chase a laser pointer, but will chase a cat chasing a laser pointer.

19. His name is indeed from the Linux mascot Tux, but I never connect the two in my mind. I think that’s odd.

20. He really likes to lick people.

21. I really don’t like him to lick people, but he doesn’t really care what I think.

22. He’s absurdly ticklish, and if you tickle him while playing tug-o-war, he dances and growls in a most entertaining way.

23. When he eats kibble, he takes a mouthful from the dish in the kitchen, and carries it to the livingroom before eating it.

24. He never drinks from the toilet.

25. He can’t reach the toilet.

Exercise That Is Fun

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OK, I hate exercise. I really really do.

I'll give you a hint, I'm not the physically fit trainer on the left.

I would like some suggestions for exercise that is fun. Something that I might not consider exercise, but rather something fun to do.

No, not that. Sicko.

Here’s a bit about the requirements:

1. I don’t like being outside when it’s cold.

2. It’s always cold here.

3. I have no exercise machinery, nor do I plan to buy any.

4. I enjoy being lazy, but not wasting time. Yes, there is a difference.

5. The first one of you to suggest Richard Simmons videos will get such a pinch.

6. The closest racquetball court is a 40 minute drive, one way.

7. I can’t swim. Well, maybe if being pursued by a shark, but for the most part I don’t swim.

8. I’m the type of person they were targeting with those “electric zapping belt” products from a few years back. If I’d had disposable income at that point, I’d own one.

9. I have pretty severe asthma.

10. I really hate exercising. Really.

Ideas?

Where Did Shawn Go?

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He’s home. Sick. But because he can’t stand being home sick, he’s going into work at 10AM this morning and sequestering himself to the office so as not to infect others.

OK, enough with the 3rd person. 🙂 Yeah, I have the flu that has been ravaging our school district. I try really hard to do all my computer work remotely so that I don’t touch keyboards and mice too often — but I have such a horrible immune system, even with such precautions I get sick more often that most.

Being sick all the time gets old. It’s not the sick that really bothers me though, it’s the guilt. I hate being out of commission and just sleeping or moping all day. Since I’m sick more often than anyone on the planet in my family, I tend to feel like I’m milking them for sympathy. So I push myself too hard. And I get MORE sick. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well. If you see my coffee cups laying around, don’t drink out of them, lest you get the crud.

I’m Not That Guy

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Yeah right, like that's my snowblower. Imagine something more like a brick tied to a shovel with a half flat tire on one side.You know that guy that can fix mechanical things? The car breaks down, and he grabs his toolbox and reconoiters your carburetor on the side of the road? Yeah, well I’m not that guy.

We have lots of snow. The storm London just got is what we refer to “A Tuesday” around here. That’s not to make light of the situation across the giant pond — it’s just to say that I should be used to it. And have the tools to take care of it.

First of all I should give you a little backstory. I have a toolbox. I really do. It’s big and red and plastic. It contains screwdrivers, wire crimping tools, needle nosed pliers, and a couple really sweet cable testers. And one 3 inch crescent wrench. No, not one that has jaws capable of turning a 3 inch bolt — but rather the handle is 3 inches long. I think it’s made from plastic coated in tin foil.

Anyway, back to the snow. We have lots. So much in fact that our postal delivery lady no longer will attempt to get close enough to our mailbox to deliver our mail. Now, I do have a snowblower, but it is so old that using it require skills that I don’t really have. Here’s a rundown of me snowblowing our driveway:

1. Spend 45 minutes and a can of starting fluid trying to get the frozen machine running. (I also have no garage, so it sits in the snow all the time)

2. Sniff the ether all over my gloves, and forget half of step 3

3. Take the first swipe down the driveway, which hasn’t been shoveled, plowed, or snowblown in many weeks of storms.

4. At the end of the driveway, I’ve seen 12 purple elephants, spoken to a friendly dresser, and the snowblower has warmed up enough to stall.

5. I adjust the throttle and choke, never the same way twice, until it runs again.

6. Take another swipe.

7. Again, snowblower stalls. By this time all the ice has melted from the engine, so even though the choke no longer helps, I can get a screwdriver near the carburetor and adjust the screws. Which screws? I have no idea, whatever turns without falling out.

8. Again, the engine roars to life. The throttle an choke are now working enough that I can milk a few swipes now. Then, the engine gets hot.

9. The engine stalls in the middle of the road while I was turning around. The transmission is coated in ice now, and the lever to disengage the drive won’t work. Thankfully, not much traffic goes down my road, so I get out my screwdriver right there in the road.

10. I loosen a screw too much and it falls out. Gas leaks on my gloves (the ether has long since worn off), and I scramble in the road looking for and its little spring. Apparently at this point the snowblower just had to pee, because when I put the screw back in, I get another couple swipes out of the engine.

11. About the time I think 2 or 3 more swipes will really make the driveway look sharp, the engine quits for good. At the road. And I need to push it by hand up to the house again.

Now, I left out lots of goodies regarding half broken recoil handles, a leaky gas tank, and a finicky gear shifter (it’s a self propelled walk behind deal). The sad thing is, I’m fairly certain many guys could stop by, sniff the exhaust and tell me my canooter valve is loose. One quick turn with an actual wrench and life would be good.

But I’m not that guy. 🙂

I’m a Mega Roll Man

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I'd have a really hard time sitting on a toilet that small...Chances are, you use toilet paper. We may have different techniques when it comes to the use of it (and no, I don’t want to discuss technique, eiw) but we’re all probably familiar with the usage and purchasing of the product.

I’m a Mega Roll man.

Don’t get me wrong, I always read the sheet count on the claims of “just as much TP as 3 regular rolls!” But when it comes down to it, I’d rather buy 8 mega rolls over 24 regular rolls any day. I’ll admit, it takes some mental training, because it seems like you’re buying much less toilet paper. If you can get past the deceptive multi-roll economy size look, the mega roll is king. For several reasons:

1) Yes, it’s more environmentally friendly. Not as much as you’d think, but I suppose a couple cardboard tubes and a little more plastic wrap does add up.

2) It takes up less cupboard space. Granted, we have a lot of cupboards in our house, but filling that space with rolls that don’t make it a single day is just wasteful. And that leads to my big reason for being a Mega Roll Man:

3) You get stranded MUCH less often. If your rolls last 3 times as long, there are that many fewer opportunities for poor planning that result in “butt ring” while you wait for someone to hear you hollering. And I KNOW we’ve all been stranded alone at least once, which is even worse. (I’m also not looking for best practice tips when retrieving TP while pants-ankled)

So for me, it’s Mega Rolls every time. Now wipe that smirk off your face and fess up to your sheet count. 😀

Skating When You’re Not Canadian

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This is an actual photo of me. During the expedition, my leg and both hands fell off. My head was also knocked loose. I'm feeling better now, thank you.Tonight, the family and I went skating. (We’re not Canadian, so we haven’t been bred to ice skate and play hockey. I don’t mean that as in insult either, hockey is cool.) The rest of my family has been going for a while, and in fact everyone else owns their own skates. Daddy had to rent a pair. I do have one thing going for me, and that’s the fact that I’m fairly stupid brave. It was fun, but needless to say, I’m not a good skater.

Really, I only want to master a few things:

1) I’d like to stay vertical most of the time.

2) I want to do that cool “snowblower” looking thing that cool skaters do when they stop.

I’m surprisingly good at the first goal, and shockingly bad at the second. I can’t for the life of me figure out how people do that. It looks awesome, plus, the ability to stop is a bonus. Since I’m a geek, I’ll probably google how to skate, and try what I find next time.

Also, there’s the matter of figure skates versus hockey skates. Apart from the toe pick, they seem similar in design, except that if you’re a guy wearing figure skates, you get beat up. I’m fairly certain the male figure skates in the rental place have never been rented. Ever. What’s the deal with hockey skates versus figure skates? Anyone know?