Silly Things

Forts, Ads, and Really Awesome Cow Orkers

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Have I mentioned how awesome the folks at Linux Journal are to work with? Well, they are. Last Friday that created an ad, and put it live on the www.linuxjournal.com website. This is not to be confused with the ad I created, oh no, this is much better. Much.

I don’t want to post a screenshot, because the ad is still running through this Thursday. It’s so much better to see it in its native environment. If you go to www.linuxjournal.com, and hit refresh a few times, you should see it. You absolutely can’t miss it.

If you can’t seem to get it to appear, after Thursday I’ll post a screenshot — but really it’s hilarious. I hope you get to see it. 🙂

The Truth About Boxers and Briefs

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Max here prefers WonderDog Underoos over Superman -- but as long as you don't make him wear boxers, he won't bite you.This post crosses way over the line of TMI, but if you’re remotely interested in some insight into the boxer and brief debate, and not offended by references to dangley bits, this post might be educational. It might also be a complete farce, it’s hard to tell.

This evening, due to my inability to put my dirty clothes in the hamper, I have no clean underwear. I recently got out of the shower, and realized my situation too late to do much about it. So I grabbed a pair of boxer shorts and put them on. I really don’t like boxer shorts. So let’s talk about my misery a bit, OK?

  • Boxer shorts are not underwear. You can feel free to disagree with me, but sadly you’re wrong. (Hey, lay off, it’s my blog) Look at their name: “Boxer shorts“. They’re shorts. The only reason they’ve become synonymous with underwear is so many people wear them as such. It’s much easier to say, “I prefer boxers”, than to admit, “I actually don’t wear any underwear — but don’t worry I always wear a pair of shorts under my pants so if my zipper falls down you don’t need to call the cops”. See, the latter just doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily.
  • Before you start bragging about how great your boxer shorts are, take into account the real reason I think some of us prefer actual underwear. You ever been fishing? If you fish for little fish, like perch for instance, when you catch one you simply pull it out of the water dangling from your fishing line. It works great. If you go salmon fishing, however, you need a net to pull those big suckers in. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.
  • I think boxers are more popular with people in their 20s because they weren’t alive in the time period that tight jeans were “in.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that wearing boxers while wearing tight jeans is an easy way pinch things off. I’m just saying.
  • It’s true there are lots of cool boxer shorts to be found. Cartoons characters, funny quips, strange designs, etc. Sadly, the days of awesome themed underwear are largely over for those of us that wear briefs. Back in the day, we could wear Underoos — but unfortunately I can’t find Superman undies in my size anymore. And yes, I’d probably wear them if I could. Shut up, you would too.
  • I realize some doctors recommend boxers for men that are having a hard time conceiving children. I say get a new doctor. Sorry guys, see above mentions of pinching things off. Sometimes you gotta get a second opinion.
  • Bikini things are not the same as briefs. Look, no one wants to see you in those. And if you’re an underwear model or something, and the ladiez really do want to see you in something that resembles a tiger-striped Speedo, chances are you’re not reading my blog anyway. One thing is for sure, none of the guys at the gym want to see you wearing that crap, so save it for jungle night at home or something. (And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t blog about it. Please.)
  • The flies in tighty-whiteys: No one actually threads their thing through that ridiculous maze of fabric in order to save the time it takes to pull down the front. Sorry of that steals the magic away for some of you, but it’s true. They are not functional as a weenie escape route, and even if you go through the trouble of doing so, let’s just say garden hoses aren’t the only things that kink.
  • So why are there double layers of cotton on the front of tighty-whiteys if you can’t use them for.. “that”? Ok, you asked. That dual layered front is for absorbency. Eiw right? Well, there is an unwritten law that says “Thou shall shake the drips off with 2 shakes only. Thou shall not shake more than twice. I meanest it, thou shall not. Three shakes is not OK, thou knowest it to be true…” So if the two shakes doesn’t sufficiently do the job, the two cotton layers are there to protect you from pee dots. Yeah, so what happens to your boxer friends after an unsuccessful double shake? Well lets just say they don’t have a double thick layer of cotton. Double Eiw.

    • And I think that will sufficiently gross enough people out to make up for my suffering in boxers this evening. I feel better. How about you? 😀

Real Life Zombies: Insomniacs

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Line #24 is BRAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS. Most zombies hope by pickup line #23 they score... (I have no idea where it came from so I don't know who to credit.)At first glance, insomnia really does seem cool. No, I’m serious. I don’t know about you, but I’m often annoyed that I need to spend a third of my life pointlessly sleeping. I’ve got things to do man.

Unfortunately insomnia really isn’t as cool as just “never getting tired.” See, here it is almost midnight and I’m so absurdly tired that I have to concentrate on every word to make sure it makes sense. Dirt puddle fluffy leg McDoogle dryer. (hehehe, see what I did there…)

I figured I’d take this opportunity to dispel a few misconceptions about what it means to have insomnia. Yes, it means you can’t sleep, but there’s more to it than that:

  • Insomnia means you’re tired but can’t sleep. It doesn’t mean you’re not tired so you don’t sleep.
  • While some methods of curing (or at least remedying) sleeplessness work for some people, for others they don’t. My examples will be for my case, obviously.
  • Reading (again for me) doesn’t work, because I’m too tired to concentrate, so the book doesn’t soak in. It’s basically like reading strings of pointless words. That gets boring pretty quick
  • Counting sheep. Please. I could barely force myself to count sheep if I actually had sheep I was responsible to keep track of.
  • Over the counter drugs for sleep aid generally do make me go to sleep, but only in short, freakishly strange bouts of dreams. I get out of bed in the morning not only still tired, but as if I just lived through a season of the X-Files
  • Work. Sounds good right? Can’t sleep, just do some work. The problem is that my brain is silly putty, remember? Trust me you don’t want me configuring servers OR writing for a magazine in this state. You think I’m bizarre on a good day, just imagine “loopy” Shawn. It sounds better on paper, trust me.

To add insult to injury, in order to actually function the following day I usually need to caffeinate myself. I’m sure you see the problem that likely causes and the vicious circle I find myself in.

So as midnight looms and I’ve already tried for hours to sleep — I now go into the mode that I try relaxation techniques and such. If things go like they have been, about 4:30 I’ll start debating whether trying to go to bed will be worse than just staying up. 4:30 is about my “point of no return” time. About then I consider making coffee.

Sweet dreams everyone. 🙂

No Pants Wednesday

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No, I don't own these pants. But I would totally wear them if I did. :)There are some things I do that are almost too absurd to share with the public. Thankfully, this isn’t one of them. Plus, I “shared” with the public more than I ever intended to anyway…

This morning, due to insomnia problems, I was getting ready for work after my family had already left for school. As I was going through my groggy morning routine I got a call on my cellphone telling me every computer in our school district was frozen. I correctly assumed they didn’t mean the temperature had drastically dropped and rather they were all unresponsive.

My first response after hanging up was to blame the dog.

“Tux! Why are the new switches failing me!?!?!”

Submissive little creature that he is, Tux decided it was time to roll over and let me rub his tummy. I did so, but then scooped him up and put him in his dog crate. (See, Tux thinks alone time is best spent pooping and peeing on carpets, but that’s another story altogether)

I quickly found a pair of mismatched socks from the sock basket, my norm, and put them on. I sat on the couch and tied up my Converse All-Stars. Then as I sprinted through the dining room, I grabbed my tattered jean jacket from the back of the chair where I hung it last night.

Thankfully it’s still early spring here in Michigan. You see, in my haste and confusion I had forgotten to put on pants. The crisp April air on my ghostly white legs quickly pointed out the error. It’s quite possible the neighbor lady died of shock.

Rest assured I did go back inside and put on some pants. Which is good, because I also didn’t have my keys, so I would have been a pantsless maniac pounding on the outside of a school building. I’m pretty sure you go to jail for stuff like that…

How I Broke Into Our Van (with Video)

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There have been some questions about my Houdini act, so I’ll set the record straight…

1) I am not the one that locked the keys in the car. I think that’s important to note. So, noted. 🙂

2) Our van is a 2007 Caravan, and doesn’t lend itself to jamming a coat hanger anywhere. Well, not with any actual hopes of doing anything useful.

3) I used the piece of plastic (a cheap cutting board) to jam in between the door and the car. The baffles that prohibit stuff getting jammed in there are pretty easily (read: hour of jamming and wedging) fooled by a piece of stiff yet flexible plastic.

4) Once I had the plastic half in and half out, I poked a hole in the plastic and set a snare with the string.

5) Using physics to both bend the plastic so it would properly lasso the lock mechanism, and gravity to aid in the targeting system, I looped a slip knot around the lock and snugged it up.

6) I shimmied the string up the plastic sheet and then tugged to unlock the door.

7) The theft deterrent system immediately honked my victory to the neighborhood. 🙂

For those of you that are visual learners, here’s a reenactment of the whole thing:

Listen To My Dulcet Tones, and Win Stuff

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You know those videos I do all the time, teaching folks how to do stuff with Linux? Well, humor me and pretend you do. Anyway, this week Linux Journal is giving stuff away. And not a limited amount of stuff either. Everyone that plays can win. You can play. You can win. Watch this video for details, and if you don’t want to win, then you don’t have to play. See how easy I make it for you?

That thing over my shoulder is a speaker to our surround sound system. No, not that. That one is a clock, I meant the other shoulder.
Just click the thumbnail to go to the video contest page


Go now! Tell all your friends! Have your dog blog about it! Tweet it! Dent it! Tell your neighbors with smoke signals. (Be careful with that last one though, fire is dangerous, and this blog isn’t insured)

Holodeck or Replicator?

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Yes, a Star Trek question. But really, which would you rather have? With a replicator, you could create anything the size of a bread basket or smaller, as long as it wasn’t terribly complicated. With the holodeck, you could live a virtual world as real as life and have it go any way you desire.

I realize with the replicator you could replicate bars of gold or diamonds and *buy* pretty much anything… but which would you pick?

I Didn’t Buckle

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This is like a nicotine patch for Coke drinkers, but without the nicotine. So, I guess that means it’s like a pointless sticker that resembles a nicotine patch.

I think the gold label is an attempt to make Diet Caffeine Free Coke resemble something valuable. Fail.


At the very least the Coke company could make caffeine free Coke Zero — which would probably taste fairly good. Sadly, I’m not the guy they turn to for suggestions like that.

25 Things You Don’t Know About My Dog

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I really hate memes, so I figured I’d tell you about my dog instead. To be honest, he’s probably more interesting than me anyway. So here ya go:

I know you think he's sitting in a sunbeam, but actually the light is coming from him. We found him near the nuclear power plant.

1. His name is Tux, but originally it was Fizz-Gig. It fit him well.

2. Our cat is bigger than he is.

3. She reminds him of that when he tries to attack her.

4. His tail stub both creeps me out and fascinates me.

5. He does not like anyone to grab it.

6. He needs his hair cut more often than I do.

7. He’s the runt in a litter where both parents were runts of their own litters. He’s a very tiny Silky Terrier.

8. He very rarely pees in the house anymore.

9. I don’t think he realizes he’s a dog.

10. I’m quite certain he doesn’t realize he’s 8 inches tall.

11. When his hair gets cut, and his eyes are again visible, it freaks me out. I think he stares at me on purpose.

12. He will eat things so gross I can’t write about them on my blog.

13. And then licks people’s faces.

14. When given a stuffed toy, he immediately disembowels it. So quickly in fact, that it’s a little unsettling.

15. When he was a puppy, the hair matted shut over his butt. It was one of the grossest dog experiences I’ve ever been a part of. We threw the scissors away.

16. He’s neutered. (I never said 25 things you wanted to know about him)

17. He is really good at playing fetch.

18. Tux will not chase a laser pointer, but will chase a cat chasing a laser pointer.

19. His name is indeed from the Linux mascot Tux, but I never connect the two in my mind. I think that’s odd.

20. He really likes to lick people.

21. I really don’t like him to lick people, but he doesn’t really care what I think.

22. He’s absurdly ticklish, and if you tickle him while playing tug-o-war, he dances and growls in a most entertaining way.

23. When he eats kibble, he takes a mouthful from the dish in the kitchen, and carries it to the livingroom before eating it.

24. He never drinks from the toilet.

25. He can’t reach the toilet.