You know, a few months ago, I could have posted this screenshot and probably gotten on the local news. Or possibly on the cover of The Enquirer as a secret UCF/LHC/Palin conspiracy member.
Of course in these post-Palin days, I figure it’s just one of my Alaskan friends visiting. Still, seeing it makes me chuckle. 🙂
You know that guy that can fix mechanical things? The car breaks down, and he grabs his toolbox and reconoiters your carburetor on the side of the road? Yeah, well I’m not that guy.
We have lots of snow. The storm London just got is what we refer to “A Tuesday” around here. That’s not to make light of the situation across the giant pond — it’s just to say that I should be used to it. And have the tools to take care of it.
First of all I should give you a little backstory. I have a toolbox. I really do. It’s big and red and plastic. It contains screwdrivers, wire crimping tools, needle nosed pliers, and a couple really sweet cable testers. And one 3 inch crescent wrench. No, not one that has jaws capable of turning a 3 inch bolt — but rather the handle is 3 inches long. I think it’s made from plastic coated in tin foil.
Anyway, back to the snow. We have lots. So much in fact that our postal delivery lady no longer will attempt to get close enough to our mailbox to deliver our mail. Now, I do have a snowblower, but it is so old that using it require skills that I don’t really have. Here’s a rundown of me snowblowing our driveway:
1. Spend 45 minutes and a can of starting fluid trying to get the frozen machine running. (I also have no garage, so it sits in the snow all the time)
2. Sniff the ether all over my gloves, and forget half of step 3
3. Take the first swipe down the driveway, which hasn’t been shoveled, plowed, or snowblown in many weeks of storms.
4. At the end of the driveway, I’ve seen 12 purple elephants, spoken to a friendly dresser, and the snowblower has warmed up enough to stall.
5. I adjust the throttle and choke, never the same way twice, until it runs again.
6. Take another swipe.
7. Again, snowblower stalls. By this time all the ice has melted from the engine, so even though the choke no longer helps, I can get a screwdriver near the carburetor and adjust the screws. Which screws? I have no idea, whatever turns without falling out.
8. Again, the engine roars to life. The throttle an choke are now working enough that I can milk a few swipes now. Then, the engine gets hot.
9. The engine stalls in the middle of the road while I was turning around. The transmission is coated in ice now, and the lever to disengage the drive won’t work. Thankfully, not much traffic goes down my road, so I get out my screwdriver right there in the road.
10. I loosen a screw too much and it falls out. Gas leaks on my gloves (the ether has long since worn off), and I scramble in the road looking for and its little spring. Apparently at this point the snowblower just had to pee, because when I put the screw back in, I get another couple swipes out of the engine.
11. About the time I think 2 or 3 more swipes will really make the driveway look sharp, the engine quits for good. At the road. And I need to push it by hand up to the house again.
Now, I left out lots of goodies regarding half broken recoil handles, a leaky gas tank, and a finicky gear shifter (it’s a self propelled walk behind deal). The sad thing is, I’m fairly certain many guys could stop by, sniff the exhaust and tell me my canooter valve is loose. One quick turn with an actual wrench and life would be good.
But I’m not that guy. 🙂
Chances are, you use toilet paper. We may have different techniques when it comes to the use of it (and no, I don’t want to discuss technique, eiw) but we’re all probably familiar with the usage and purchasing of the product.
I’m a Mega Roll man.
Don’t get me wrong, I always read the sheet count on the claims of “just as much TP as 3 regular rolls!” But when it comes down to it, I’d rather buy 8 mega rolls over 24 regular rolls any day. I’ll admit, it takes some mental training, because it seems like you’re buying much less toilet paper. If you can get past the deceptive multi-roll economy size look, the mega roll is king. For several reasons:
1) Yes, it’s more environmentally friendly. Not as much as you’d think, but I suppose a couple cardboard tubes and a little more plastic wrap does add up.
2) It takes up less cupboard space. Granted, we have a lot of cupboards in our house, but filling that space with rolls that don’t make it a single day is just wasteful. And that leads to my big reason for being a Mega Roll Man:
3) You get stranded MUCH less often. If your rolls last 3 times as long, there are that many fewer opportunities for poor planning that result in “butt ring” while you wait for someone to hear you hollering. And I KNOW we’ve all been stranded alone at least once, which is even worse. (I’m also not looking for best practice tips when retrieving TP while pants-ankled)
So for me, it’s Mega Rolls every time. Now wipe that smirk off your face and fess up to your sheet count. 😀
In my Calendar Sales / Cow Dance promotion, I ended up raising $130. Not surprisingly, the large majority of that did not come from calendar sales, but rather cash donations. I’m OK with that.
Since the first two goals were met, that means in the very near future (not today, it’s Monday around these parts) you’ll get some sort of short story or poem both typed and recited. As you can probably tell, I haven’t written the aforementioned piece yet. Thankfully, absurdity is one of my strong points so I’m hoping it’s a fun piece to write and read/hear.
Happy Monday!
Recent events have revealed that indeed, the UCF, an organization I belong to, is in fact a secret group of Navel enforcers. The timing for discovery isn’t ideal, but nonetheless here’s my reveal video:
Well, it’s a song cool enough to repeat as often as it happens. Tonight, the full moon is the perigee moon, which means it is closer to Earth than any other time of year. It’s also in a particular part of the lunar cycle to make it closer than normal even for perigee. So it’s like really close and stuff. Don’t worry, the human eye can barely tell the difference. 🙂
In honor of the awesome “almost touch it if you stretch” moon, I give you the Sponge Monkeys, and their rendition of “We Like the Moon”. Enjoy.
I’ve seen this all over the web, so I don’t know who to give credit to for sending me the link first, but it was probably someone over on my blogroll, so visit them all. 🙂
WARNING: There are a few PG-13 parts in the video. You have been warned.
I tend to impulse buy domains. I own ihatedigg.com, because I was (and largely still am) frustrated with Digg.
This morning, I was watching Gary Vaynerchuk’s Wine Library reviews, and thought it would be funny to do a parody. So, I bought a domain. Be sure to watch Gary’s stuff first, then check out my own review:
Gary:
http://winelibrary.tv
A guy walks into a bar with a penguin on his head. The bartender says, “Hey, how’d that get there?”
The penguin replies, “It started out as a pimple on my backside.”
